A Puzzle Better Left Unsolved

I’ve tried to disperse bouncier and more fanciful writing in between my more morose posts, but I’m coming to find out writing is part of my process for coping. Thanks for bearing with me.

I was puzzled last night

I saw you there, sitting on the back porch

My father, smiling in the wry way you do

The sunlight dappling the concrete

And for some reason I couldn’t understand

Something felt wrong

What it was I couldn’t say

That small thought telling me

I forgot something important

We talked about normal things

The weather, my job, the dogs

Simple things, boring things

I was aware I was wet

Slowly dripping onto the concrete

As my clothes dried from the heat

I knew we had just been swimming

That is when we always talked the most

All through our chat I felt uneasy

Then I solved the puzzle better left unsolved

I was only dreaming

Desperately I tried to hold onto the gossamer thread

The normalcy of the situation, the routine of it all

The more I gripped at it the more it felt wrong

And it began slipping from my hands

Like sand only I knew was precious

I tried to tell you everything I needed to

Since you were ripped from us by death

My triumphs

My defeats

How much I missed you

How much I loved you

It all turned to nothing in my mouth

In realizing it was a dream

I had turned it against itself

Your words didn’t make sense anymore

Mine wouldn’t come out right

I woke with my pillow damp with tears

In that twilight, that strange moment

When reality steals away the haze of dreams

The truth comes crashing down on me

Like waves in a terrible and angry ocean

They push me down deep

Past where I can breathe

And all I can do is reach out

Try to hold on to something

To anything

Outlast the storm

And wait for the sun

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