I’ve tried to disperse bouncier and more fanciful writing in between my more morose posts, but I’m coming to find out writing is part of my process for coping. Thanks for bearing with me.
I was puzzled last night
I saw you there, sitting on the back porch
My father, smiling in the wry way you do
The sunlight dappling the concrete
And for some reason I couldn’t understand
Something felt wrong
What it was I couldn’t say
That small thought telling me
I forgot something important
We talked about normal things
The weather, my job, the dogs
Simple things, boring things
I was aware I was wet
Slowly dripping onto the concrete
As my clothes dried from the heat
I knew we had just been swimming
That is when we always talked the most
All through our chat I felt uneasy
Then I solved the puzzle better left unsolved
I was only dreaming
Desperately I tried to hold onto the gossamer thread
The normalcy of the situation, the routine of it all
The more I gripped at it the more it felt wrong
And it began slipping from my hands
Like sand only I knew was precious
I tried to tell you everything I needed to
Since you were ripped from us by death
My triumphs
My defeats
How much I missed you
How much I loved you
It all turned to nothing in my mouth
In realizing it was a dream
I had turned it against itself
Your words didn’t make sense anymore
Mine wouldn’t come out right
I woke with my pillow damp with tears
In that twilight, that strange moment
When reality steals away the haze of dreams
The truth comes crashing down on me
Like waves in a terrible and angry ocean
They push me down deep
Past where I can breathe
And all I can do is reach out
Try to hold on to something
To anything
Outlast the storm
And wait for the sun
