Happiness Stifled

I’m at the most happy I’ve been in a long time right now, or at least I should be.

After 17 years and 200 pounds gained I’ve joined Tae Kwon Do again. It was one of the few things I’ve been passionate about in my life and I’m truly excited about it in a way I haven’t been excited about anything in a while. I feel that, not only will it improve my life by bringing back a childhood passion, but I can already tell that the motivation I have to be good at it again will ultimately lead to weight loss I desperately need to happen.

I’ve started writing again, and though neither of my blogs are exploding, it feels so very good to be creating again. There is a wonderful feeling that happens when you make something you are proud of and put it out for the world to share that was missing from my life. It also gives me hope for my future, maybe it won’t include writing about video games for a living, but it at least is acting on it; moving that needle forward in a way I haven’t in years.

I moved jobs within the company I was already working in and rid myself of a massive amount of stress that was weighing me down and into a job that may not have as much opportunity for advancement, but that is much less stressful. In fact, it has been slow enough to allow me to write these posts in the first place, which has reminded me of my love for writing.

For the first time in a long time I’m excited about my life. Not just excited about the next weekend, the next Holiday, or the next video game, but about my life. I’m so energized right now in a million different ways and it makes me extraordinarily happy in a way I haven’t felt in forever, and yet, it all pales a bit.

All of this comes months after the death of my father. In fact writing and Tae Kwon Do come directly BECAUSE of my father’s sudden death. It made me realize how truly fleeting life is and that today is the only promise we have. That those dreams of tomorrow that I’ve always been scared of chasing, that thing I want to do that I decided I couldn’t, those could be taken from me in a heartbeat. Not just by death, but by tragic illness or a change in life that makes those things impossible.

Losing Dad made me realize in the most horrible of ways that we don’t have time to settle for just coasting through life, that we don’t have time for pithy self doubt and to be scared of failure.

However, all of this happiness exists where my mind state is now, but in the back of my thoughts, looming larger than anything else, is the fact that my father will never see any of it. No matter whether I succeed or fail here, no matter if I make all my dreams come true, the man that made me who I am will never see it.

I’ll never make memories with him again, my children will never again spend time with their grandfather, and those sentiments destroy me inside.

My father’s death was the reason for this unexpected excitement and happiness about life, but it is also the thing choking me emotionally that stifles it nearly completely.

How do these two halves co-exist? I’m afraid I’ll never know the answer.

via Daily Prompt: Stifle

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